Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Joys of Wanting to Break Bones

     Well, it seems I've dropped the ball and forgotten to post. There are multiple reasons, the primary being exhaustion, and not feeling like I have anything news worthy.

     That being said, I have several things to post about now. Thanksgiving was fantastic. I got to spend time with Taylor, we saw two movies (Catching Fire is good, but Ender's Game does to the book what Eragon did). We snuggled and generally ate food at my house and her's. That being said, Friday was an absolute disaster. I got about 3/4 of the way through the first shift in my double that day to realize I had a voicemail from my girlfriend. In it she was a sobbing mess, telling me she had left her house crying, thought her thumb was dislocated, was hiding out in the Avenue, and I was right about Brandan.

     Ah, Brandan. Brandan is Taylor's younger brother who is eighteen and has had more pregnancy scares than girlfriends, of which he has a new one every week. Here's the tricky bit, he's also prone to fits of rage, which have only gotten steadily more violent since he's hit puberty. He ended up pinning Taylor to the floor because she wouldn't share here Ipod when he was just shy of fourteen. Whey is he still breathing? Because if I touched him my relationship status with her at the time would have been revoked by her parents and she probably wouldn't have fought the decision (we were sixteen).  I told Taylor that Brandan was bad news and to avoid being alone with him at all costs. I knew one of these days he would go ballistic and I didn't want her hurt.

     Over the years I've been told by her parents to walk softly around Brandan and that if anything happene then I would be held responsible. Brandan was the baby of the family and could get away with murder. Despite him screaming at his parents on a daily basis, throwing things, and being responsible for thier house being broken into twice, for some unfathomable reason he si still allowed to live there. Whatever.

     So Friday, Taylor was eating candy too loud and Brandan balled up a pillow (to keep from bruising her) and started wailing on her trying to cause as much pain as possible. He ended up bending her right thumb back far enough that she though it was dislocated (it was just strained thank God, but it still needs a brace for two weeks). Her parents of course believe Brandan's ridiculous tale of it being playful rough housing that got out of hand. Taylor finally sat down with her mom and flat told her that Brandan terrifies her and as long as Brandan is in the house, she won't be. So since Taylor needs a safe place to be while Brandan is at her house, she is living with me, meaning the whole space thing is shot. It's not bad, because frankly I missed her so much and I just love being around her. The reason for the space was so that I would focus on my sobriety. So my recovery has been slowed temporarily.

     That being said, my house is a Brandan free zone. If he sets foot anywhere near it, I'm calling the cops and getting him arrested for trespass. If I'm not there, my mother and the rest of my family have been instructed to do the same. She will be safe at my house even if her frankly shitty parents don't care enough about her and their physical safety to do the right thing and kick Brandan out on his ass.

     Another thing is that I'm no longer willing to accommodate Brandan just to pacify her parents. If he gets in my face, he will regret it. If he thinks of violence towards her or me, I'll hospitalize him, and the cops will be waiting for him to get casted up because I will also be pressing assault charges. I almost wish he would, it would give me a chance to fully test out the Defendu I've been studying (I can't complete nearly any of the holds or throws with my friend because they break bones).

     Her parents have failed her, and if they won't keep her safe, then I will. After all, with any luck she'll be my wife by this time next year. I've got some more things but they can wait until tomorrow (tonight) and some sanity.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Random Babble

    What to write about today? I managed to stop moping and go to SIG (my group therapy session) and that was good. I set some goals for myself to help with the who sobriety thing. Those goals are more or less staying off of the pointless entertainment sites; taking care of myself with vitamins, exercise and sleep; blogging and reading helpful books everyday; and just generally staying in contact with people.

     In all honesty, this blog should have been typed up before midnight, but at least I'm typing it up. The self-loathing is still there from yesterday, but I'm hoping it will slowly fade as I take care of myself. I've been doing laundry, which is a huge step in cleaning my room and generally staying sane. I just need to actually do some serious cleaning soon and actually fold the cloths I've been washing.

     I still feel like I'm babbling. Just kind of drifting aimlessly on a sea of nothingness. That's really not ok because it means I've succeeded at locking my heart away again and not feeling things. That was the beginning of what got me into this mess the first time. It was a stupid decision then and it's a stupid decision now. I just wish I could completely undo it by deciding to not have a hardened heart but it just doesn't work that way. The stone has to be slowly chipped away.

     I need to start going to SA meetings during the week. Ideally I'd do it on Thursday but I promised Taylor she'd have all of Thanksgiving with me. I'll end up going to the one on Saturday up on Grandview right before church.

    I'm also toying with writing something. Some story or something somewhere, but I can't decide what to write, and until I do, I guess I'll just babble on to you guys. :-P

Self Loathing

     Have any of you hated yourself with the kind of self loathing that makes you wonder how it was possible people could by your bullshit that you're ok? The kind of self loathing that manifests in ways were you do things you know that will ultimately harm you, just because you know that they do harm you? Like eating peanuts when you're intolerant, or eating McDonald's daily, or not doing you're homework and watching your grade flush down the toilet, or pulling up porn on a non-porn site (because the porn sites are blocked on your laptop). Has anyone done that? My inner demons say no, that I'm the only one whose possibly this fucked up, but I disagree simply by virtue of there being 7 BILLION people on this planet.

     I don't know, but all I know is I'm wallowing in it. I feel like a fraud. A boy in his dad's cloths, and everyone is just waiting for me to screw up. So I do. I screw up, and screw up, and screw up, because I know deep down in my hear that I can't and won't possibly deserve any better than to fail for the rest of my life because I am a low down scum of the earth and am just a drain on everybody and everything.

     I hate it, and I hate myself. So I try isolating myself from the world and pretending I'm better than they are. I wall myself off from my emotions and refuse to feel anything, ESPECIALLY pain. I rely on my intellect and think my way through problems. I become an asshole: cruel, unforgiving, harsh, and brutal. I care for nothing and no one, and I'm quick to shore up cracks when they appear, but all that does is leave me alone, and you can read all about my reaction to that here.

      In short, I don't like thinking that way. It's unproductive and all it does is bring me misery, so I'm going to try listing my virtues for a change. I am strong. I am warm. I care for people to a degree that is ridiculous. I am intelligent, and am still passing my Junior year despite this addiction. I have a girlfriend who for some reason actually chooses to love me of all people. I tend toward honesty above all, even when it hurts me in the short term (it never hurts in the long run). Most importantly I AM NOT WHO I WAS. I have been made anew, and maybe I can finally start convincing myself to lean on Him for change.

     My heart is broken and crying out, and I hope that God forgives me for the things I have done, and will continue to heal my broken heart despite all of my foolishness.

This is the start I suppose

               Let's start things off by talking a little bit about me. I am a man, or a boy who calls himself a man, or a man who is terrified that he is still a boy. I’m also an Engineering student, or I will be as long as I keep my head on straight and get my life together. You see I’m an addict. That is what is driving my life right now, and however much I might wish otherwise, it’s driving my life into the ground. I hope that someday that won’t be the case, but if I’m being honest here, I don’t see that happening for quite awhile. I’m in counseling, and group therapy, but ultimately the demons I fight are locked inside my head and my heart, and only one being can help me there, and half the time I give Him the cold shoulder because the light He brings hurts too much.

                The best part is that my addiction isn’t accepted by mainstream society. Rather, it’s normalized like it’s no big deal. You see, I’m a sex addict. I’m addicted to pornography, and frankly if I wasn’t still dating my high school sweetheart (and somehow held onto my belief that cheating is reprehensible in my steadily declining morality) I’d be banging every girl that let me. Sorry about the language but it’s the truth. If you are one of the ones who scoff, well then this blog isn’t for you and - frankly? - PISS OFF! But if you happen to be curious about an addicts decent into madness, or perhaps light and forgiveness (I’m honestly not sure which and the best I can say is I want to want the latter) feel free to stick around as I deal with several things.

                Tertiary note, my girlfriend and I are taking a separation until March (our 5 year anniversary) and while we are still together, the distance sucks. The point of the separation is for me to get some sobriety under my belt. (we’ll see how that goes.) The goal is to type something up every day, (again we'll see how that goes - probably not well as evidenced by my previous blog http://pnm3793.blogspot.com/) and since I plan on taking a fast from technology over my winter break we’ll see how everything plays out. We’ll see.

                Frankly, I’m in a lot of pain. Maybe sharing this with a bunch of people can help me sort through all of this. I honestly don't know. Maybe my blog will be found some day by someone and it'll give someone the strength they need to push through. All I know is I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm on day zero. For those who aren't addicts it means I've achieved zero days of sobriety, or I've screwed up today. Hours ago in fact. I guess I'm running from something, though I'm not sure what. I've been trying to entertain myself and distract myself in every way I know how, retreating into pornography twice and I'm still afraid and running, and just flat hating myself. All I know is my signature was made a long time ago, back when I was somewhat sober, and I keep it in hopes of getting back there some day.