Tuesday, November 26, 2013

This is the start I suppose

               Let's start things off by talking a little bit about me. I am a man, or a boy who calls himself a man, or a man who is terrified that he is still a boy. I’m also an Engineering student, or I will be as long as I keep my head on straight and get my life together. You see I’m an addict. That is what is driving my life right now, and however much I might wish otherwise, it’s driving my life into the ground. I hope that someday that won’t be the case, but if I’m being honest here, I don’t see that happening for quite awhile. I’m in counseling, and group therapy, but ultimately the demons I fight are locked inside my head and my heart, and only one being can help me there, and half the time I give Him the cold shoulder because the light He brings hurts too much.

                The best part is that my addiction isn’t accepted by mainstream society. Rather, it’s normalized like it’s no big deal. You see, I’m a sex addict. I’m addicted to pornography, and frankly if I wasn’t still dating my high school sweetheart (and somehow held onto my belief that cheating is reprehensible in my steadily declining morality) I’d be banging every girl that let me. Sorry about the language but it’s the truth. If you are one of the ones who scoff, well then this blog isn’t for you and - frankly? - PISS OFF! But if you happen to be curious about an addicts decent into madness, or perhaps light and forgiveness (I’m honestly not sure which and the best I can say is I want to want the latter) feel free to stick around as I deal with several things.

                Tertiary note, my girlfriend and I are taking a separation until March (our 5 year anniversary) and while we are still together, the distance sucks. The point of the separation is for me to get some sobriety under my belt. (we’ll see how that goes.) The goal is to type something up every day, (again we'll see how that goes - probably not well as evidenced by my previous blog http://pnm3793.blogspot.com/) and since I plan on taking a fast from technology over my winter break we’ll see how everything plays out. We’ll see.

                Frankly, I’m in a lot of pain. Maybe sharing this with a bunch of people can help me sort through all of this. I honestly don't know. Maybe my blog will be found some day by someone and it'll give someone the strength they need to push through. All I know is I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm on day zero. For those who aren't addicts it means I've achieved zero days of sobriety, or I've screwed up today. Hours ago in fact. I guess I'm running from something, though I'm not sure what. I've been trying to entertain myself and distract myself in every way I know how, retreating into pornography twice and I'm still afraid and running, and just flat hating myself. All I know is my signature was made a long time ago, back when I was somewhat sober, and I keep it in hopes of getting back there some day.

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