Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Self Loathing

     Have any of you hated yourself with the kind of self loathing that makes you wonder how it was possible people could by your bullshit that you're ok? The kind of self loathing that manifests in ways were you do things you know that will ultimately harm you, just because you know that they do harm you? Like eating peanuts when you're intolerant, or eating McDonald's daily, or not doing you're homework and watching your grade flush down the toilet, or pulling up porn on a non-porn site (because the porn sites are blocked on your laptop). Has anyone done that? My inner demons say no, that I'm the only one whose possibly this fucked up, but I disagree simply by virtue of there being 7 BILLION people on this planet.

     I don't know, but all I know is I'm wallowing in it. I feel like a fraud. A boy in his dad's cloths, and everyone is just waiting for me to screw up. So I do. I screw up, and screw up, and screw up, because I know deep down in my hear that I can't and won't possibly deserve any better than to fail for the rest of my life because I am a low down scum of the earth and am just a drain on everybody and everything.

     I hate it, and I hate myself. So I try isolating myself from the world and pretending I'm better than they are. I wall myself off from my emotions and refuse to feel anything, ESPECIALLY pain. I rely on my intellect and think my way through problems. I become an asshole: cruel, unforgiving, harsh, and brutal. I care for nothing and no one, and I'm quick to shore up cracks when they appear, but all that does is leave me alone, and you can read all about my reaction to that here.

      In short, I don't like thinking that way. It's unproductive and all it does is bring me misery, so I'm going to try listing my virtues for a change. I am strong. I am warm. I care for people to a degree that is ridiculous. I am intelligent, and am still passing my Junior year despite this addiction. I have a girlfriend who for some reason actually chooses to love me of all people. I tend toward honesty above all, even when it hurts me in the short term (it never hurts in the long run). Most importantly I AM NOT WHO I WAS. I have been made anew, and maybe I can finally start convincing myself to lean on Him for change.

     My heart is broken and crying out, and I hope that God forgives me for the things I have done, and will continue to heal my broken heart despite all of my foolishness.

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