Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Random Babble

    What to write about today? I managed to stop moping and go to SIG (my group therapy session) and that was good. I set some goals for myself to help with the who sobriety thing. Those goals are more or less staying off of the pointless entertainment sites; taking care of myself with vitamins, exercise and sleep; blogging and reading helpful books everyday; and just generally staying in contact with people.

     In all honesty, this blog should have been typed up before midnight, but at least I'm typing it up. The self-loathing is still there from yesterday, but I'm hoping it will slowly fade as I take care of myself. I've been doing laundry, which is a huge step in cleaning my room and generally staying sane. I just need to actually do some serious cleaning soon and actually fold the cloths I've been washing.

     I still feel like I'm babbling. Just kind of drifting aimlessly on a sea of nothingness. That's really not ok because it means I've succeeded at locking my heart away again and not feeling things. That was the beginning of what got me into this mess the first time. It was a stupid decision then and it's a stupid decision now. I just wish I could completely undo it by deciding to not have a hardened heart but it just doesn't work that way. The stone has to be slowly chipped away.

     I need to start going to SA meetings during the week. Ideally I'd do it on Thursday but I promised Taylor she'd have all of Thanksgiving with me. I'll end up going to the one on Saturday up on Grandview right before church.

    I'm also toying with writing something. Some story or something somewhere, but I can't decide what to write, and until I do, I guess I'll just babble on to you guys. :-P

Self Loathing

     Have any of you hated yourself with the kind of self loathing that makes you wonder how it was possible people could by your bullshit that you're ok? The kind of self loathing that manifests in ways were you do things you know that will ultimately harm you, just because you know that they do harm you? Like eating peanuts when you're intolerant, or eating McDonald's daily, or not doing you're homework and watching your grade flush down the toilet, or pulling up porn on a non-porn site (because the porn sites are blocked on your laptop). Has anyone done that? My inner demons say no, that I'm the only one whose possibly this fucked up, but I disagree simply by virtue of there being 7 BILLION people on this planet.

     I don't know, but all I know is I'm wallowing in it. I feel like a fraud. A boy in his dad's cloths, and everyone is just waiting for me to screw up. So I do. I screw up, and screw up, and screw up, because I know deep down in my hear that I can't and won't possibly deserve any better than to fail for the rest of my life because I am a low down scum of the earth and am just a drain on everybody and everything.

     I hate it, and I hate myself. So I try isolating myself from the world and pretending I'm better than they are. I wall myself off from my emotions and refuse to feel anything, ESPECIALLY pain. I rely on my intellect and think my way through problems. I become an asshole: cruel, unforgiving, harsh, and brutal. I care for nothing and no one, and I'm quick to shore up cracks when they appear, but all that does is leave me alone, and you can read all about my reaction to that here.

      In short, I don't like thinking that way. It's unproductive and all it does is bring me misery, so I'm going to try listing my virtues for a change. I am strong. I am warm. I care for people to a degree that is ridiculous. I am intelligent, and am still passing my Junior year despite this addiction. I have a girlfriend who for some reason actually chooses to love me of all people. I tend toward honesty above all, even when it hurts me in the short term (it never hurts in the long run). Most importantly I AM NOT WHO I WAS. I have been made anew, and maybe I can finally start convincing myself to lean on Him for change.

     My heart is broken and crying out, and I hope that God forgives me for the things I have done, and will continue to heal my broken heart despite all of my foolishness.

This is the start I suppose

               Let's start things off by talking a little bit about me. I am a man, or a boy who calls himself a man, or a man who is terrified that he is still a boy. I’m also an Engineering student, or I will be as long as I keep my head on straight and get my life together. You see I’m an addict. That is what is driving my life right now, and however much I might wish otherwise, it’s driving my life into the ground. I hope that someday that won’t be the case, but if I’m being honest here, I don’t see that happening for quite awhile. I’m in counseling, and group therapy, but ultimately the demons I fight are locked inside my head and my heart, and only one being can help me there, and half the time I give Him the cold shoulder because the light He brings hurts too much.

                The best part is that my addiction isn’t accepted by mainstream society. Rather, it’s normalized like it’s no big deal. You see, I’m a sex addict. I’m addicted to pornography, and frankly if I wasn’t still dating my high school sweetheart (and somehow held onto my belief that cheating is reprehensible in my steadily declining morality) I’d be banging every girl that let me. Sorry about the language but it’s the truth. If you are one of the ones who scoff, well then this blog isn’t for you and - frankly? - PISS OFF! But if you happen to be curious about an addicts decent into madness, or perhaps light and forgiveness (I’m honestly not sure which and the best I can say is I want to want the latter) feel free to stick around as I deal with several things.

                Tertiary note, my girlfriend and I are taking a separation until March (our 5 year anniversary) and while we are still together, the distance sucks. The point of the separation is for me to get some sobriety under my belt. (we’ll see how that goes.) The goal is to type something up every day, (again we'll see how that goes - probably not well as evidenced by my previous blog http://pnm3793.blogspot.com/) and since I plan on taking a fast from technology over my winter break we’ll see how everything plays out. We’ll see.

                Frankly, I’m in a lot of pain. Maybe sharing this with a bunch of people can help me sort through all of this. I honestly don't know. Maybe my blog will be found some day by someone and it'll give someone the strength they need to push through. All I know is I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm on day zero. For those who aren't addicts it means I've achieved zero days of sobriety, or I've screwed up today. Hours ago in fact. I guess I'm running from something, though I'm not sure what. I've been trying to entertain myself and distract myself in every way I know how, retreating into pornography twice and I'm still afraid and running, and just flat hating myself. All I know is my signature was made a long time ago, back when I was somewhat sober, and I keep it in hopes of getting back there some day.